Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
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dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
time for some seasonal decor
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed