if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
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“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Van Gone
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.