when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
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My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!