My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
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[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
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Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.