[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
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[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.