Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
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Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle