INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
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Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.