if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
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My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
live long and prosper!
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Me buying fruit and veg
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.