amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
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I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
I can also cook 😂
Smooooooth
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23