Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
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Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems