“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
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*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s