I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
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me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Nice try, NASA
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.