Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
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I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
apparently this year was written by stephen king
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised