My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
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“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
#parenting
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good