Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
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me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle