Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
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*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what