I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
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“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you