I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
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GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.