I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
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Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today