8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
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*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Every BBC series about the universe.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms