*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
You Might Also Like
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
My life coach traded me.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it