A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
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An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.