My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
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I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?