Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
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I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Catercrombie & Fish
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.