“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
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If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.