My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
You Might Also Like
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Seductively sings in Klingon.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.