gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
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Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
They got Raph!
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
me opening up to someone
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.