Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
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COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
When libraries troll their patrons.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.