can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
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A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet