The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
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Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone