Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
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I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material