SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
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me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
This story is comedy gold 😂
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this