Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
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First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
😂 amazing answer
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?