My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
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don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care