Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
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[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.