*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
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Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
accurate
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right