My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
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Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
The news in a nutshell.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Awwwww shit.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter