When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
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My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Cake safety first. Always.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*