[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
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Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
🤣
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious