Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
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Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
What number SPF blocks people?
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.