Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
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I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain