Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
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*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Aight bet
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.