My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
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Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
*seductively eats two tums*
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”