If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
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[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
So glad we cleared that up
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Phonetics