The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
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If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five