What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
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I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job