When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
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I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Lmao
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My what?
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*