I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
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live, laugh, laundry.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”