Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
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Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”