“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
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Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”